How Childhood Conditioning Keeps You Attracting Narcissists

Have you ever wondered why you keep ending up in relationships with people who make you feel small, anxious, or invisible? Even when you swear, “Never again” - somehow, it happens again.

You’re not weak. You’re not broken. You’re responding to deeply ingrained emotional conditioning that started in childhood.

What Felt Familiar Became ‘Normal’

As children, we adapt to survive. If your parents were narcissistic, emotionally neglectful, or overly controlling, you may have learned early on to suppress your own needs, stay quiet, or become hyper-aware of others’ emotions. You might have believed that love was something to earn, and that being “good” meant not rocking the boat.

Over time, these survival strategies become subconscious patterns. And because the brain seeks the familiar, we end up attracting (or feeling drawn to) similar dynamics as adults.

Even if they were painful, they feel like home.

The Beliefs That Hold You Back

Core beliefs like: - “What I want doesn’t matter.” - “I need to keep others happy to stay safe.” - “I am not good enough.”

…can unconsciously guide your choices, including who you let into your life. Narcissists are drawn to empathy, adaptability, and low boundaries—the very traits childhood conditioning often produces.

How to Break the Cycle

1. Bring these beliefs into awareness. Start noticing your inner voice, Is it critical, guilt-driven, or dismissive of your needs?

2. Challenge what feels ‘normal.’ We often confuse what feels familiar, with being ‘normal.’ Just because it feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s safe or healthy.

3. Re-educate your nervous system. When you do anything new or different it feels ‘wrong’ and can make you feel anxious. That’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong—it’s a sign you’re doing it differently. Learn to sit with the anxiety until it passes and you can start doing and being different.

4. Get support. Healing is about understanding those patterns from your past and knowing how to change them. This is what enables you to move forward, confident that you won’t keep repeating the same patterns again. 

   
   
   
   

Ready to stop attracting the same pain in different packaging?

Get in touch. Send me an email linda@lindabarbour.co.uk, or give me a call on 07795311354.

With warmth, Linda